YOU WILL TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU

“Walls keep everybody out.  Boundaries teach people where the door is.” Mark Groves

I feel like this subject could be a book in and of itself.  I speak often with colleagues that express a complete exhaustion in the midst of a non-stop workday.  The constant barrage of emails, texts and sometimes even phone calls into the late night or early morning.  International responsibilities and COVID only compounding this unrelenting stress.  There becomes no true start to their day and no true end. 

We have become a working society with no boundaries.  We send email requests to colleagues, customers and suppliers whenever we want and if a text is required for a more immediate recognition of our needs, then that is not off the table either.  COVID made this blurry line nearly impossible to draw and as we ease ourselves back into a new normal without a global pandemic confining us to home offices, the blurry line still remains, there are no boundaries…  unless you set them for yourself.

I have spent a tremendous amount of time reflecting on and recovering from COVID and not because I had COVID, I was one of the fortunate few that has so far avoided contracting the virus.  I needed to reflect and recover from COVID because of what it did to my work and personal life.  The constant demands from my workplace, my children, my relationships, my inner thoughts.  At a time that the world was halting to a stop, I worked in an industry that could not afford to stop.  Supplements and personal care demands were at an all-time high.  Every customer wanted more product than we could produce and not a single phone call was an easy one.  We were nowhere near dealing with the life-threatening stress of the nurses and doctors on the front lines, but our stress was real, it was heavy.  It felt like I was swimming through a pool of super glue.  Fighting to make progress through the pool only to waste my energy to get to the top of the water to secure a much-needed deep breath.

Carrying the burden and stress of my employees, fearing for the future of our business and working 16 to 18 hours a day would eventually push me into an emotional downward spiral.  The coping mechanisms were not all healthy, but the lessons learned were incredibly valuable.

Many years prior, I had benefited from a colleague telling me “You will teach people how to treat you”.  In other words, if you reply to an email after 6:00 PM and before 6:00 AM, then before long the recipient will expect you to reply to emails after 6:00 PM and before 6:00 AM.  If you reply to emails on vacation and work instead of rest, then before long your manager will just expect you to do it again on your next vacation. 

For about the first year of COVID, I forgot this very important piece of advice and it affected me in ways I am still reconciling with.  When I finally had a “come to Jesus meeting” with myself, I realized that this rule needed to be put back into place along with a few other tools in my tool kit.  So, I set boundaries once again.  I started my day at a specific time and ended at the same time every day.  I communicated my availability to my team and blocked off my calendar when I would not be available.  Then I went one step further which was truly the most helpful part of my “boundary recovery”.  I started a new hobby.

I had never considered myself an “artistic person”.  So much so that just a couple of weeks before I started painting, my good friend Gabriel took me to a Board and Brush store as a birthday gift.  While we painted the signs for our homes, I specifically declared to all that would listen “I was not the artsy type!” 

Then one day as I ended what was yet another stressful 10 hours, I realized I had nothing to look forward to when the day was done.  Nothing to get excited about.  I went to Michaels Craft Store and walked the aisles.  With little idea of what I was doing, I began to throw paints, brushes, canvas and paper into a basket.  I had never demonstrated any talent when it came to painting, did not really even know what I would paint.  I just knew I needed an outlet, a healthy outlet.  When I got home, I set up a little art station, got out my paints, closed my eyes and just let the brush pull my stress from my body.  The painting was ugly!  A true expression of what my day had felt like.  Yet, as I looked at that ugly painting, I felt like I could reflect on it and on my day and then…… let them both go. 

I started putting in one hour painting appointments into my calendar at the end of every day.  I would search Pinterest for ideas and look forward to every evening when I would get to release the stress of the day onto something that would make me feel hopeful and optimistic.  I do not paint for anyone else except for me.  I paint what I want and for whom I want.  The paintings are mediocre at best but the true art is the feeling that I get when I move that brush wherever my heart takes me.

Managing in the Middle:

• Make a list of hobbies you would like to explore, think big and out of your comfort zone.  Then go for it.  Put it in your calendar and try it for a week.  See how you feel.
• Set up meetings with yourself in your work calendar to block out the times that you need a mental break.
• Set a start time and an end time to your day, do not deviate (emergencies excluded of course).
• Try an out of office email reply that kicks on every evening and states when you will be back in the morning.  I know this sounds extreme but in some cases it may be necessary.
• “Boundary recovery” takes time, and it only works if you follow through. 

WHAT ARE SOME “BOUNDARY RECOVERY” SUGGESTIONS YOU HAVE? 

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