“If you are not also in the arena getting your ass kicked, I’m not interested in your feedback.” Brene Brown

A good friend recently told me a story she heard in one of her leadership coaching sessions.  The man leading the session had gone to dinner the previous evening with his family.  His teenage daughter was in a horrible mood.  When he inquired on what she was upset about, she reported that her soccer coach had called her out of practice and critiqued her playing.  She felt like she was failing and was so upset by the feedback.  The wife at the table instantly went into defense mode, promising her daughter that she was going to contact the coach and get this resolved since obviously he was being a “real jerk”.  The father in this conversation could not keep a straight face as he witnessed this back and forth.  Once the daughter and mother finished, the wife inquired “what are you smiling about”?  He stated simply, you are both upset because the coach was coaching.

We will never know how the coach delivered his message to the young woman; but it was very obvious the result of the delivery was probably not as effective as it could have been.

In middle management, delivery can be everything and when overseeing a large number of employees that have limited work experience, a delivery method is NEVER one size fits all.  Every individual requires a unique delivery approach in order to get the best out of them.

I had an older male individual that reported to me many years ago. He was transferred to me in a reorg and the previous manager stated “good luck with him” as we finalized the performance reviews for the previous year. 

In an effort to get to know each sales managers business, I requested a general business overview; however, a week later he came back with almost nothing to review.  Instead of losing my patience with him, I carefully questioned where his road blocks were and what he was struggling with.  It turned out that this individual felt overwhelmed when being asked for a wide breadth of general information.  He was not able to focus on the pieces that needed to be shared.

On the next request, I sent over a bullet point list of the information I was looking for to be added to a power point template.  He quickly turned the report back over to me with all the relevant and supporting information needed the very next day.  For years to follow, he was a significant contributor to the success of our team.  My delivery to him consistently remained focused, contained and bullet pointed.

Managing In the Middle:

• There is no one size fits all when it comes to management.  Each individual will require a different approach and delivery if you want to get the best out of them.
• Speak with employees on the type of communication they prefer, emails, phone, pre-scheduled “touch base” meetings.
• When you are not certain an employee understands your directive, ask them to recap next steps back to you either via phone or email to ensure you are both “on the same page”.
• A managers attempt to provide feedback and coaching can easily be perceived as criticism and harsh critique if delivered in a way that the employee is unable to receive it.

“By showing us who she was and what she loved, she taught us that real leaders know who they are and bring every bit of themselves to whomever they lead.”  Abby Wambach

Middle managers get the pleasure and sometimes the struggle of working with a revolving door of employees that will come and go too quickly and sometimes not fast enough.  Add in acquisitions and mergers and that revolving door can bring in all kinds of individuals in large groups with steep learning curves on both sides.  

There have been many times in my career when a merger of business groups has occurred and I have instantly become the new manager for a group of people that have barely even known I existed within the organization.  Usually the younger or same age individuals are easy to engage with and they quickly get on board with the way I work.  I have found it slightly more challenging with woman that are older than me and even more so with men that are older than me.  I do believe if I was a man that none of these challenges or resistance would be a thing, but for some reason when a women is put into a leadership position; resistance is a common reaction.

At one point, our organization merged two significant and separate divisions into one.  The result was a number of new sales managers rolling up under my leadership.  One of those was a single mom and grandmother who had been with the company for a few years.  My initial conversation with her was cordial but after a few attempts to connect I could sense the resistance to my suggestions and my general leadership experience as a whole.  I needed to find a way to connect with her on a more personal level to gain her trust in me and in my ability to lead her successfully.  I planned a trip to work with her in her home office, when she expressed some concern about being in her home, I reserved a hotel room with a separate working office area and we set up shop there for a couple of days.  I shadowed her to witness her day to day struggles first hand, I made note of her expertise with the internal systems and began to make a list of ways that I could remove road blocks for her, get her access to other systems that she could utilize to be more productive and less frustrated.

After a full day of shadowing, I took her out for a nice dinner.  During this time, she shared with me that her husband had passed away from complications of a transplant when her two children were very young.  My mom was a 12 year liver transplant survivor at this time, this shared connection was an instant sense of common understanding and pulled at both of our heartstrings.  Once we found this shared sense of community, I also understood her “Why”.  She was a proud, determined mother and now grandmother who single handedly survived the loss of her husband and father to her young children.  Her determination and hard work allowed her to successfully support and raise responsible contributing members of society.  This woman was proud and now incredibly relatable to me. 

I flew home with sense of connection and common foundation upon which we could build from.  I quickly went to work to solve her every day frustrations and remove those road blocks that were impeding her success.  Once those road blocks were removed, she became an engaged loyal employee.  She will take on any challenge and relentlessly pursue solutions with the same determination that she has pursued life.  

In 2006 a similar merger occurred at Hormel when I was named National Sales Manager for the Specialty Products Division. At 31, I became a manager that was younger than 75% of my employees, significantly younger, and when it came to years of experience I also had far fewer years under my belt.  The challenges were similar to those that I faced years later and I navigated them with a similar strategy, albeit not as smoothly or as quickly as I did years later.  Once I was finally able to connect with my team members and earn their respect, a woman that retired a couple of years later gave me a call.  On that call, she expressed something that has always stuck with me as a guiding principle for a good middle manager, she stated; “I enjoyed working for you because you proved to me that you would never ask me to do something that you were not willing to do yourself.”  I had successfully demonstrated to her that if she was in the line of fire, I would stand in front of her to protect her from the threat.

Managing in the Middle:

• Work with employees to identify road blocks.  Then find a way to remove the road block.
• When an employee has to endure a difficult conversation, offer to join them or coach them through the challenging interaction ahead of them.
• On a personal level, determine their “why”.  Why are they working?  There is always a “why” that we can all find common ground with.  Care enough to find that connection.

** Personal stories shared with approval**

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” C. G. Jung

When I first started my career and began writing emails for the purpose of primary communication, I would often use the word “think”.  For example, I think we should do this, or I think this is the correct action to take.  My manager at the time was an aggressive, gruff man, he would attack his employees instead of proactively work to develop their talents.  A few weeks into my first job, this manager verbally attacked me in his office regarding my use of the word “think”.  “Do you “think” we should do this, or should we do this?”  “If you cannot take a position, then do not send me any suggestions at all!” 

I was unconsciously using the word “think” and discovered later that this is a common word that women use to try and hedge their position when they are less than confident in themselves and their abilities.  However, his aggressive and gruff approach towards me at such a young age was incredibly traumatizing and challenging to overcome.  He was attacking me for something I did not even realize I was doing.  The whole approach stuck with me for the rest of my career, I also stopped using the word “think” in all of my communications, but his tactics forever impacted me.

There are many situations where employees have done and/ or said things on calls with colleagues and customers that rub me the wrong way.  It may be the repetitive use of a word or phrase, an attacking type tone or a childish like tone, laughing at the end of every statement they make or even just repetitively sighing.  All of these, although distracting and uncomfortable are also more than often unconscious.  Even the way that they address people, or their beliefs about a person or personality.  Our unconscious can be incredibly strong, it can serve as a survival mechanism or something that kicks in to make us feel more comfortable in an uncomfortable situation.  However, our unconscious behaviors and beliefs can also often affect our careers, reputations and perceptions that people have of us without us ever knowing it.

The truth is that their perceptions are our reality.  In any work environment, the way that a person is perceived by colleagues or customers will significantly impact their career track and their ability to be successful throughout their career; AND unconscious behaviors often lead to perceptions of people that are not reality.

In 2011 I had been with my new company for about a year and was quickly working to build an East Coast business and team.  My manager decided to transfer a salesperson to me that he was perceiving to be too young for the job.  I found out later that neither one of them were seeing eye to eye at that time and much of it was all based on their perceptions of each other, not the reality.

This sales manager was the sweetest salesperson and employee you could ever work with.  Her mile long brown hair and bubbly personality would catch any eye when she walked into a room.  These attributes served her incredibly well when she was attempting to build relationships with customers.  They truly enjoyed spending time with her and would engage in hours of conversation about their business and their personal lives with her.  She made it comfortable and easy for customers to do business with our company.

That same bubbly personality and young tone did not serve her so well on corporate conference calls and company training sessions.  Internally, her unconsciously young and overly friendly disposition resulted in a perception that she was not someone that needed to be taken seriously.  In her efforts to be friendly and approachable with colleagues, to try to build relationships, she unconsciously hampered her ability to get SH** done within the corporation.  This resulted in emails and requests from her going unanswered.  When she would make suggestions, no one would write them down or carefully consider them.  Her ability to get priority around her projects internally was paralyzed by the perception she had created in her tone and overly approachable personality.

As her manager, I quickly spotted this trend.  I also listened to her frustrations in not being able to get replies to her need for support from colleagues.  She could not understand why no one would prioritize her projects.  I knew that she was not connecting her tone and approach to the resulting challenges she was having and I also knew that the internal teams were perceiving her as inexperienced and not serious about her position, which was not the reality.

A good middle manager finds a way to help their employee change the perception to create a new reality.  They identify the unconscious behavior for the employee and coach them in modifying that behavior.  In this case, the best way I could address this was to record her on a call and then play back for her what she sounded like.  Calling out specific tones and words that were leading to an inaccurate perception of her.  This sales manager was thankfully incredibly vulnerable and open to our discussion, she quickly took in my suggestions of lowering her tone on these calls, limiting the chatter and sticking to bullet point items that needed to be addressed.  She assigned due dates to team members.  She took control of projects and assigned milestones instead of seeking out others to offer her “help”.  She turned questions into statements and removed the word “think” from her email communications.  (Always a good one to start with!)

The result in the changes to her unconscious behaviors was a whole new perception of her.  The new reality which occurred relatively quickly within the organization was that this sales manager was a “go getter”; she was incredibly knowledgeable and when she brought projects to the teams, they more often than not turned into profitable business.  She was someone that should be taken seriously and responded to in a timely manner.  When she spoke, people started to listen!

Years later, I continue to work with new and experienced salespeople that are hired or transferred into my region or choose to take on a new career path within sales under my management.  Recently I had a new salesperson join my team that had over 20 years of experience in product management.  She came with an extensive technical background and an eye for detail which was specifically what I needed for the customer base she was covering.  Her approach and technical prowess was positively impacting our relationships and progress with a significant account.  At the same time, I was starting to hear something on internal meetings that was raising some concern and on one specific internal planning meeting caused an outright guttural reaction of “this is a problem.”

The first instinct of any manager when trying to address an issue is to just solve the problem, but when that issue is stemming from an employee that is unconsciously causing the issue, solving the problem can get more complicated.  While working through internal discussions with large groups of team members, this employee would take long, deep sighs of breath before she would speak.  The intention of this for her was to gather her thoughts and prepare what she wanted to say, the result however from those listening to her was an immediate perception that she was losing patience with the group or frustrated with what she was hearing and working to calm her mind prior to speaking.  The temperature of the conversation would instantly rise and all those listening to her deep breath would become defensive.  The mood of the meeting would instantly move from collaborative to obstructive.  The meeting would then get heated and difficult to navigate.  Colleagues would push back on her requests out of defensiveness to her tone and the meeting would end with her feeling that other people were not on the same page as her and unwilling to contribute at the same level that she was willing to contribute.  She was correct in her assessment of the overall result of the meeting, but she was unconsciously the one causing the frustration. 

The first part of this issue from a manager’s perspective is to be sure you are present on internal and external calls with your teams.  I do not attend all calls as micro managing is far from my approach, however I do make sure that I am on enough calls to measure the general temperature of how my employee is being received and treated both by internal teams and external customers. 

The second part of this issue was slightly more challenging to address, how do you tell an employee that they need to stop breathing?  After a couple of days of consideration, I scheduled a call to review the status of the project with the employee.  I asked about what she felt went right and what she thought could have been improved.  She instantly referred to the escalating tension on the call and regretted that there had been that tension throughout the conversation.  This was the opportunity I had to ask where she thought that tension had come from, when she was not certain, I offered to role play how the call went with me being her and she being the others on the call.  As soon as I took that long deep breath and used the same timing and words that she did, the gasp of realization was instant.  We discussed how her role could only be successful if she could sell her ideas internally just as much as externally with customers and these deep sighs although helpful in gathering her thoughts, were preventing her from communicating with an audience that was open to receive what she had to say.

Managing in the Middle:

• Be present on employee’s calls to support and listen both internal calls and external on a regular basis.
• When an employee communicates unsuccessfully, or uses repetitive words, dresses or even acts inappropriately; until proven otherwise, assume that this is unconsciously being done to calm their nerves or in an attempt to relate to others.
• Take the time to consider your approach, find ways to bring the unconscious into the conscious without attacking or degrading.  I prefer creating an “A HA” moment for them.
• One person’s perception IS their reality.  Be sure that what you and your team are portraying is the perception that you want the reality to be.

WHAT ARE SOME UNCONCIOUS ACTIONS THAT MAY BE ROCKING YOUR WORLD?

MAKE YOUR COMMENTS BELOW TO HELP WITH FUTURE CONTENT AND DISCUSSIONS!!

**All personal stories are shared with permission**

“A boat is always safe in the harbor, but that’s not what boats are built for.” Katie Couric

I was nearly 9 months pregnant with my second son and a National Sales Manager with a corner office.  I was ready to go into labor at any moment.  As my secretary put the caller on hold, she said “This man is really mad and I am not really sure why?”

I closed my office door and picked up my phone, after introducing myself I asked “Who am I speaking with?” The caller quickly identified themselves in a heated tone “This is the husband of the woman that your sales representative is having an affair with, oh and by the way, I am also a customer!”

No matter the role in the middle, it is always messy, but being in middle management can get especially messy!   Unlike upper management, the middle manager is usually the one hiring and firing the young talent.  Identifying individuals just coming out of college or still very early in their careers as “people with potential”.  The role requires a tremendous amount of coaching, helping, advising, mentoring, directing, training, patience, energy and just sheer determination.  The burnout can be often and unrelenting.  On top of all the challenges and energy required in the role, it is very common those in the middle management positions are in a time of their personal lives that is also exhausting.  Soon to be parents or parents of very young children.  The demands from both work and home can be overwhelming.

Yet, the middle management positions often get little attention and much less compensation.  Less vacation time than the more tenured senior managers and they are essentially the work horses for the company.  Navigating the goals of the organization and expectations of upper management with the capabilities and ongoing development of a mostly inexperienced team of people.  

When you consider the role a great middle manager plays in the trajectory and success of a company, I would argue they could be the most essential role of all.  A great middle manager is identifying talent and developing the skills needed for an employee to grow and be a strong contributor to the success of the company.  The middle manager is mentoring and encouraging employees to seek new opportunities within a company and once the skills have been mastered and their confidence cemented, they move on to contribute and learn more within the growing organization.  Then that manager has to start the cycle all over again with hiring and training a new employee.  A great middle manager sends off possibly hundreds of ethical, energetic, trained, skilled and loyal employees into a corporation to “spread the message” and build the foundation for sustained growth year over year.

The most important skill and/or trait that a middle manager can teach and pass on to a developing talent within an organization is ethics.  Although individuals come into a company with what we assume are good decision making skills, the middle managers ethical or un-ethical behavior will lay the foundation for the actions that an employee takes for years to come.  Being ethical in your actions and decision making.  Sharing your decision making process and considering the parties that will be affected.  Being as transparent as possible while working ethically and responsibly for the company you represent and the employees you support.  These are the actions you take every day and the choices you make.  An ethical employee works within safe parameters.  These parameters keep them safe, employees safe and the company safe.  Ethical employees are the secret sauce to a sturdy foundation.

Many years ago, I was at an industry show in Las Vegas.  A yearly show that brings together a whole industry to connect and do business.  One morning on the show floor, I was pulled aside by a Senior Manager who informed me they had attended a private pool side party the evening before.  One of my sales representatives attended this party and later in the evening jumped into the pool and proceeded to play chicken on the shoulders of one of our customers.  This representative was scantily dressed to begin with and a pool soaked game of chicken did not help her appearance.  I was left with the direction from the Senior Manager to “handle it”.  This is where personal ethics and a discussion around morals and ethical behavior came into play quite conveniently.  I asked this employee to make a list of her personal and professional non-negotiables, what her moral and ethical compass would allow.  How she wanted to be treated.  We were easily able to have a discussion around how her actions could result in non-negotiables for her.  We also closed our meeting with an agreement that she would not exceed two alcoholic drinks on any evening of a work function.

So when things get messy and trust me they will, always come back to good ethical decision making.  

Managing in the Middle:

• Make a list of your non-negotiables both professionally and personally; where is your ethical line drawn, refer back to this guide as decisions have to be made.
• When you first joined your organization, what attributes did you enjoy in your manager, what attributes do you wish they had?  Use these answers as your guide for your own management style.
• Managing young inexperienced talent will put you in many uncomfortable ethically challenging discussions.  The best guide for these discussions is referring them back to THEIR moral and ethical compass.