BLINDSIDED

“People will notice the change in your attitude toward them but won’t notice their behavior that made you change.” yourtango.com

The definition of “blindside” is to hit unexpectedly from or as if from the (blind) side; to surprise unpleasantly.  In middle management, one of the most frustrating and anger evoking actions a colleague can take is to blindside another colleague.  When this unpleasant surprise is directed toward one of your employees, the instinctive reaction is emotional and protective.  I have found that the most challenging part of dealing with a blindside is knowing that the very first action I want to take is the very last thing that I should do, which is to react emotionally, protectively, personally.

In my mind, there are also two types of blindsides in business.  The blindside that is directed at you personally and the blindside that just feels like it is directed at you personally but was actually never intended to be.  The thing about a blindside is it always feels personal, when you are first hit. 

I was blindsided this week.  It felt very personal and yet in the moment I realized it was happening, I was dumbfounded by the unpleasant surprise and at a loss for how to process the “attack”.  It was the hottest day of the summer (so far) in central New Jersey.  I had just pulled into Staples parking lot to recycle and replace my empty printer cartridge.  I prepared to depart my car, and quickly glanced at my emails.  As I read through a string of back and forth between colleagues, I briefly see an exchange that shoots my nervous system into overload.  As my hands begin shaking and my internal body temperature rises, I get sucked into the rabbit hole of scrolling to the start of this exchange and read to experience what has now turned into a full-on, unprovoked attack directed at one of my employees.  This blind side was not personally attacking me and yet it felt very personal.

I have learned from past blindsides that even though I instantly wanted to reply in that very moment with a direct, emotional reply.  What I wanted to do was the very last thing that I needed to do.  When dealing with a blindside, the number one rule over everything else is STAY PROFESSIONAL.  I proceeded to close my email and physically turned off my phone.  I exited the car, started breathing slowly, consciously counting to five as I took a deep breath and counting again as I exhaled the emotion from my chest.

When blindsided (taken from terriklassconsulting.com):

Stop-Pause-Breathe

A great next step to collect ourselves and our thoughts is to:

  • Stop the conversation from continuing any further and becoming more defensive.
  • Pause to wrap your head around what has happened before deciding how to move forward.
  • Breathe-Take a few minutes to take some calm and deep breaths to focus on your situation. This helps our bodies stop shaking and allows our minds to take over.

Do Not React; Think How To Respond

Instead of reacting to feeling blindsided, the better step to take is to think what needs to be shared next. If we simply react, we will only add to the tension rather than focusing on a direction to take. Think of helpful questions to ask to clarify this alternative solution while deciding how to present your perspective. Taking time to strategize what information you may be missing will help you make a better decision.

There will be moments in your career when it will take every muscle in your body to not respond.  It will feel almost painful to resist the screaming urge in your body to “do something!”.   After completing the stop-pause-breath and think steps, then (and only then) was I relaxed, ready and professionally prepared to proceed.

SHARE YOUR STORY OF A BLINDSIDE IN COMMENTS BELOW

WORDS, ACTIONS, RESULTS

“You talk a good game, but I’m watching how you play.” Unknown

I started my career in 1998 at Hormel Foods Corporation.  At that time, I listened to a lot of people.  I took instructions from managers and colleagues, listened to advice and tried to understand industry terminology along the way.  There were a lot of words and acronyms to absorb. 

Eventually all those words lead to actions.  Making sales calls, completing call reports, attending resets in grocery stores, and negotiating circular promotions with “mom and pop” grocery shops.  Featuring the benefits of the SPAM and Hormel Chili brands to grocery store buyers.  Some days, it was action after action.  Checking off my list of “to-do’s”; back then I was naïve enough to believe that the actions were enough.  Actions would accomplish the end goal and justify the consideration for my next promotion.

It took a number of years and effort to realize that just listing out and completing actions would not lead to results.  Without results, the actions are all a waste of time. 

A friend recently asked for advice on managing a sales representative that was not delivering on their profit goals.  She shared that in every conversation she would send a list of agenda items she wanted her employee to cover and instead he would come to the meeting with a list of everything he had done in the past week.  A list of actions he had taken, items he had completed, meetings he had attended.  The manager could not figure out how to get across to this employee that the actions did not truly matter if there were no results.

I am just as guilty sometimes of getting sucked into the day in and day out list of actions that need to be completed.  Many times, they are actions that a company requires and ultimately will never lead to any financial results.  The paperwork trails, the conference calls that I don’t need to be on, the volunteer task forces and the checking of other peoples work for accuracy and timeliness.  The examples go on and on.

I have to pull myself out of the quicksand and reestablish my time and efforts.  Challenge my team to focus on results from their actions instead of actions that will “hopefully” lead to results….  “Hope is not a strategy”.

For the manager friend that was struggling to get her employee to focus on results, I advised her to use a strategy I had used with a similar situation.  Every time she got on their scheduled calls, the requirements would be made very clear that the discussion on this particular call would only be for recapping results achieved and how to duplicate those results with other accounts.  Every time the employee deviated from discussing a result, she would remind them that this call was only for result discussions.  In my case when I used this strategy, the employee became quickly aware that their list of actions were not leading to any results.  The phone calls got shorter and shorter until they no longer existed and the employee ultimately moved into a different position that was a better fit.

My friend reported that she had better luck than I did.  By focusing on results and not actions, she has at least been successful at getting the employee to focus on what matters now.  It will take a bit longer to determine if real results can be achieved.

As you and your employees continue to work through the never ending day to day “to do” lists, be sure to schedule time to review and reiterate the importance of achieving results through their actions.  An employee that does not generate results will get exhausted running in place while everyone else is celebrating at the finish line.

Managing in the Middle:

  • Do a strategic and methodical review of your current commitments. Prioritize your time commitments to make sure you have space for actions that will lead to results.  Not just the daily “to do’s” that get crossed off your list.
  • Set aside time for brainstorming result sessions with both yourself and your employees.  Start with the result you are looking to achieve and back up the actions needed for the desired result from there.
  • As a manager, reinforce results.  We all get sucked into the day-to-day action items.  Good leaders need to pull employees out of the dark hole of endless actions and keep the spotlight on the results. 

SAY YES…. MAYBE

“There will be moments in life when showing up for yourself will mean leaving behind the people who don’t.” Alex Elle

Brene Brown said “Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up.”  I understand where she was coming from with this quote, I can easily relate to it within my career and life.  There are many opportunities I would have never been able to take advantage of if I had not “shown up”.  That could be just showing up to a meeting where I met someone that taught me something, or signing up for a program that would allow me to find some of my greatest passions I never knew I had.

Then there is a quote by Tina Fey, “Say Yes, and you’ll figure it out afterwards.”  I say “yes” a lot, I “show up” a lot.  I will divide my time into a thousand different pieces to help achieve everyone else’s hopes, dreams and expectations.  However, in the last week, I am struggling.  My time is no longer mine, I am overlapping calls, replying to emails during meetings, catching up on Sunday’s.  Missing out on afternoon conversations with my teenage sons in exchange for conference calls and volunteer mentoring sessions.  Then this past Friday, I was asked to pile on yet another volunteer commitment to my current job description.  I headed out for a run Saturday morning to ponder what saying “no” would look like.

Ten years ago, both of my boys were in elementary school.  I was working full time as I always have and traveling more than I would have liked.  The requests from PTO to volunteer my time in school would come nearly every week.  They needed parents to make copies for teachers, laminate projects, set up book fairs, run birthday party sign ups, help with bulletin boards, and work in the library.  You name it, they requested it.  One day I agreed to help make copies for teachers.  I stood in a small copy room next to the hallway used for children to move from one class to the other.  As I endlessly counted copies and got slightly high from inhaling ink fumes, I would peek out the small rectangular window to try and get a sighting of one of my boys.  Just to see them walking down the hallway with their class would make me giddy with joy.  I would spend a couple of hours making copies for teachers and my boys would never actually see me in the school.  I would leave unfulfilled and sad instead of productive and happy.

I realized after a couple of those closed-door sessions that I found fulfillment in the school when I could see my boys and more importantly, they could see me.  I committed that I would always volunteer and help where I could, but it had to be doing something that would include interacting with my boys.  So for years, I volunteered in the library during the time their class would visit, I worked the book fair when I knew they would be stopping by, I worked EVERY field day, I was even class mom two years in a row (that was a lot).  I said “no” to the requests that would not fulfill me.

As I pounded out the miles of pavement this past weekend, I recalled the line I had drawn for those many volunteer requests when my kids were young.  It occurred to me that I should define similar requirements for my future volunteer career commitments as well.  I should define and commit to what will fulfill me.

I am in the process of defining what those requirements will look like.  I have not decided if I will actually say “no” to the request that came across on Friday, but I do know, I have proven from past experience that I have the ability to choose what will suit me best and provide once again that feeling of fulfillment and joy.  You have that ability as well, choose what will fulfill you.

BACK TO THE BASICS

“Show up on time and don’t be an ass.”  Helen Murin

I have recently noticed a trend.  It is a trend that is consuming my calendar and filling my email in box.  I also have to admit that the trend has become so consuming in my work life that I have been sucked into it at times.  It is the trend of copying everyone in the organization on an email and including everyone (and their brother) on conference calls just for the purpose of CC’ing and covering tracks.  I will be the first to call out the trend so that I can also be the one that tries to do my part to stop it.

There are basic rules and considerations within a productive corporation that IF followed can open up time to not only get work done but can also assist in a positive, respectful and thoughtful work environment for all involved.  I am going to recap those basic rules and considerations not only for the reader but also for myself.  I have found many of these helpful in my career and in some cases, I have forgotten to abide by them all together.  Let this week’s post be a reminder and refresher for all of us and perhaps a venting session on my part.  We can all do better.

  • The two-email limit.  I have found the most effective rule to resolving an issue is to limit a back-and-forth discussion to just two emails.  If the issue is not resolved or clarified in two emails, then it is time to PICK UP THE PHONE.  I have also found that more and more employees are almost fearful of picking up the phone.  They hide behind their computer screens and continue to type away on issues that could be quickly and productively handled with one conversation.  Picking up the phone is always the best way.
  • Consider the copy on reply.  Often a congratulatory email will go out to an employee, and I will be copied as they report to me or work with me.  I will then follow up with a personal email to that employee, acknowledging their accomplishments and sending a special note.  However, I never copy everyone that was on the original congratulatory message.  I often get copied on email after email of everyone else chiming in on their individual acknowledgement.  PLEASE REFRAIN FROM RE COPYING ME ON AN ORIGINAL COPY.  If you are replying to a CC on a general acknowledgment or making a comment to a specific person.  TAKE EVERYONE ELSE OFF THE COPY.
  • Invite only those to a meeting that have an actionable responsibility.  I have been on many zoom calls recently that have included people that do not have an actionable responsibility on the call.  They are instead invited for the purpose of “covering everyone that could possibly have any interest or skin in the game”.  This results in meetings with over 80 people on a call and the end result is a non-productive, chaotic discussion.  A more productive and frankly respectful approach is to only invite those that need to make a contribution to the call.  Once the call is complete and actionable items have been assigned, follow up with an email that includes a recap of the call and the actionable items that have been agreed to.  Copy those affected by those actions on the email.  If there is concern or question on the actionable items, those affected should reach out to the representative that took on the action assigned.
  • Assume good intentions.  Perceptions and preconceived notions can unconsciously set us up to fail.  Reset for every conversation, every email and every meeting.  Start with the assumption that every person is contributing with good intentions.  Give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  If you can start from this place, the majority of your interactions will be productive, respectful and enjoyable.
  • EMAIL’S 101 use (START)
    • Send emails only to those that need to receive your message.
    • Two paragraph limit; nearly 99 percent of emails should be kept to two paragraphs.  More than that (without bullet points) will result in most of the email not being read.
    • Avoid expressing your feelings; address the issue and provide action points.
    • Reserve your copy of a manager for extreme situations, copying a manager every time is like the boy that cried wolf, if you continuously do it, eventually the manager will just delete your emails.
    • Tasks and action items should be included and separated out using bullet points.

FAILURE IS A BUMP IN THE ROAD, NEVER THE END OF THE ROAD

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.”  Winston Churchill

At the completion of my senior year of college, my father was asked by my sorority to describe his daughter in a “tribute” letter for my graduation, my dad wrote the following:

“No does not mean no to Melanie, it is an opportunity for negotiation.”

My parents raised a stubborn, determined young lady who still to this day will not accept failure as the end of my story.  Failure is part of my story, it is a bump in the road, it is never the end of the road.

Managing and mentoring a team that is willing to take risks, willing to fail and learn from those failures can be a scary proposition.  People are hired to perform, to achieve objectives established by the company.  When they fail to achieve those objectives, how do they move on from there?

As a manager, there is something that can be even more difficult than doing the failing yourself and that is allowing your employees to fail.  It is my natural instinct to swoop in and “fix” things.  When I see a fire, every part of my body screams “put it out”!  The thing about a manager that never lets their people fail is that then you have a team that has never learned how to get back up and go again.  A team that never fails is a team that is playing it safe, they are thinking inside the box instead of creatively trying solutions that are bigger and better than what can be found within that box.

An employee that relies on a manager to fix all of their problems and never fails, also cannot learn how to find solutions; and an employee that only brings a problem to a manager is not adding value.  Managers have lots of problems.  An employee that brings a suggestion or solution to solve that problem is someone that is adding value and has learned the benefits of persevering through failure.

Managing in the Middle:

  • When an employee presents a problem, ask them what is their suggested solution.
  • After discussing their thought process on the suggested solution, do all you can to allow them to proceed with their suggestion, even if you are not confident it will be successful.
  • If the suggestion truly could result is a difficult situation or compromise the company, have the employee list out the benefits and risks of their suggestions.  Talk through this list and discuss if the risks are worth the benefits.
  • If you are in a meeting with an employee that is struggling or not achieving the objectives set, work to ask questions to attempt to lead them to their own solutions and achieve success independently.

SHARE YOUR INSPIRATIONAL STORY OF FAILING, LEARNING AND GETTING BACK UP BELOW

I AM TIRED

“All of a sudden I felt really tired.  Like the world has drained me for everything that I had.” – via (Quotes ‘nd Notes)

I am tired.  I have had three cups of coffee on this Saturday morning, and I am still tired. The amazing team of sales managers and sales directors that I have the pleasure of working with are all tired too.  To be honest, I think the whole working world is exhausted.  After 2 years of living through a pandemic, fighting for our health and our emotional wellbeing.  We now find ourselves struggling to survive in a world of non-stop supply challenges, employee shortages, cost cutting and inflation pressures.  I have been on many emotional phone calls recently.  Colleagues and employees exhausted by their inability to control an outcome, frustrated by what they see as a lack of effort on others behalf to get things done.

When I am tired, I quickly go from frustrated to emotional.  It is the easiest path to take along the road of feelings.  It has taken me years to realize that adding emotions to my frustrations very rarely benefits me or my career.  In a challenging work environment, the very best and first thing you can do is to separate the frustration from the emotional reaction.  This effort takes practice and determination.  It takes a self-recognition of your feelings in that moment and the ability to pull them out of your body and place them on the side table.  By pulling out the emotion, I am in a clearer and healthier place to address the challenge in front of me.  I can then go back later and deal with the emotion in a much more productive manner.  For example, screaming into a pillow.

I have not spoken to anyone with a career lately that is having an easy time.  My teaching friends speak of young kids that have been behind computer screens and shut in their bedrooms for nearly 2 years.  These children have lost essential learning. Their social and coping skills have become nearly non-existent.  The whole world is tired….

So what now?  What can you do when your frustrations partner up with your emotions and you find yourself off on a wildly unproductive ride?  First and foremost, STOP; consider the problem and remove the emotion.  The best advice I have found in this mission is as follows:

“Let go of what you can’t control but empower yourself to affect change by focusing on the things you can do.”

If necessary, make a list.  List out your feelings and emotions on a sheet of paper and put that in an envelope or physically place it on a side table; then write out the problem or the challenge at the top of a clean page.  In the left-hand column, write out what you CANNOT CONTROL.  In the right-hand column, make a list of what YOU CAN DO and CAN CONTROL. Then do that!

I am tired, you are tired, the whole world is tired.  Take some time to rest my friend, you can at least control that.

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

“If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done.” – Thomas Jefferson

A reader recently submitted a question that I promised to address in an upcoming post:

“What are strategies to move up the middle management ladder within an organization?”

This question is a BIG one.  So much to unpack here and the strategies that would be effective in one organization could honestly be ineffective in another.  I will not claim to be an expert in this area; however, I can pull from my own experiences and those that I have witnessed with colleagues and friends.  The strategies I can share are broad, perhaps general but can be effective both in corporate organizations and in life.

  • Organize your priorities. Determine your passion and communicate it consistently and clearly to those you work with and report to.  What do you want?  What are your goals?  What work are you willing to do in order to achieve it?
  • Be a leader.  Even if you are not a manager already or want to take on more; you have to be perceived as a leader.  Volunteer for organizations or working teams within your company and take the lead.  On internal calls, offer to be the lead and run the call.  Any opportunity you can take to be the lead, do it!
  • Find your sponsors.  A sponsor recognizes your unique capabilities among your peers and believes in your potential.  Seek out managers and executives above you that will represent you in a meeting that you are not invited to.  Connect and collaborate with those that can attest to your talents to others, specifically those that are in a position to offer you a new opportunity.
  • Dress for the job that you want.  In a world of increasingly casual work attire, there is still a place to present yourself in meetings and the office in respectful attire that clearly states who you are and what you want.
  • Actively seek feedback.  There is a quote that says, “Feedback turns good into better and better into best.”  The secret to good feedback when you are working to improve on your skillset and progress your career is to seek it out from people that you respect.  Individuals who represent themselves in the workplace in a way that you admire.  People that motivate you to be better and do more.
  • Bring solutions and suggestions to the table. This one was covered in a previous post but is incredibly important for individuals that want to progress their career.  Managers solve problems, they make decisions and take action.  Even if you are not currently in a position to make the final decision on your own, you are always in a position to suggest a solution and present it to your manager for approval. 
  • Actively pursue an audience with the decision makers.  This one can take on many forms.  Inviting the decision makers to your most important and well prepared for meetings.  Seeking out decision makers in the office or at company events to introduce yourself and make LIGHT conversation.  Finally, when the opportunity presents itself, do what the decision makers do.  If there is an R&R event and you can choose between activities, choose the one that the decision makers will do. (In my case, I always play golf instead of going to the spa.)  When at company receptions, do NOT stay in your comfortable group, work the room and seek out an introduction to all of the decision makers.

AND FINALLY…..

  • Be willing to leave.  How and when individuals progress into and through middle management is always company dependent.  What one company values as a level of experience is not defined equally by another company.  Therefore, if you are stuck and your company is unwilling to invest in your progression, it is time to consider opportunities outside of your current corporation.  There are very few executives that have achieved their positions by just staying with one company. 

SHE BELIEVED IN ME

“It only takes a spark to get a fire going.” Kurt Kaiser 1969

The most amazing teacher I ever had retired this week after 40 years in education.  Her name is Deb Waddell, she reads this blog, so this may catch her a little by surprise.  Deb was my 5th grade science teacher at Saint Paul Academy in St. Paul, MN.  In my second attempt at 5th grade, I was truly a defeated soul.  I had little confidence and even fewer friends.  I had not found my love for anything yet and I would often cry in my room at night trying to figure out how I would get through the next day.

Deb (Mrs. Miller to me at the time) changed me.  She began with the little things.  She would let me arrange the seating chart in her classroom so that I felt safe with the kids at my lab table.  She ran the afterschool program and even though I would go home on the bus, she would let me pick up graham crackers and a milk carton on my way out of school.  Still to this day, I love the combination of graham crackers and milk.  It is the taste of safety, peace, and smiles.  Mrs. Miller then reached out to my parents and started taking me to special lunches on the weekends to really fun places like the Rainforest Café. 

As time went by, Mrs. Miller became my biggest and loudest supporter.  She took me on fun adventures and filled the void of friends in my life.  Although older than me, she had (and still has) a young soul.  In the years to come, she would attend my vocal performances and musicals.  I would join the same sorority she belonged to in college.  Her daughter Alexa was born premature when I was a Sophomore in college, I remember the scary days and many phone calls that followed until we both knew she was going to be okay.  When I graduated from college, Deb flew out to surprise me at my college graduation from Minnesota to Pennsylvania.

Of all the gifts that Deb gave me, the one that changed my life was the gift of her belief in me.  It took one determined, hard headed, passionate and loving fifth grade science teacher to convince me that I was something special.  She was unrelenting.  On the day I graduated college, she hugged me hard in my cap and gown and simply said, “I knew you would do it!”.

Being in a management position often requires what Mrs. Miller did for me.  I have had a few truly defeated souls join my team and also some very young newly out of college individuals that just need a confidence boost.  Whatever the need of the individual may be, the very first thing they benefit from is knowing that I believe in them.  Once employees know that there is someone in their corner, someone fighting for them and believing in them, the spark is lit. 

Managing in the Middle

  • An employee that feels defeated can easily be motivated once again with a quick pep talk.  Expressing your belief in their abilities and confidence in them can reverse their fall into a depressing black hole.
  • For young, new talent just starting their career.  Send an email noting something positive the employee accomplished.  Follow with a lunch or dinner to connect on a personal level.  Give them an assignment to manage on their own that will build their confidence in their abilities.  Recognize the accomplishment when the assignment is complete.
  • Celebrate your employees wins and successes.  Share their progress with colleagues and superiors to keep the fire going within them.
Melanie, Alexa and Deb September 2003

I WISH I COULD SHUT DOWN MY BRAIN LIKE I SHUT DOWN MY COMPUTER

“I’m a recovering perfectionist and an aspiring “good-enoughist” Brene Brown

I have worked for years with a colleague that has a superpower.  I know it is a superpower because I would give nearly anything to also find a way to have this superpower AND there is no one I have ever met that also has this same innate ability.  It is the power to shut down everything that happened during the workday in his brain and just move on with enjoying his evening and most importantly his sleep! 

A good friend recently accepted a promotion into a management roll after nearly 20 years in sales.  We walked and talked often about this opportunity and reviewed her pros and cons list for weeks.  Once she accepted the new roll, she was instantly thrown into a position that required hiring and training a sales team along with achieving performance objectives all at the same time.  She no longer was in control of her hours and days, meetings consumed her free time and all that was out of her control took over every inch of her brain.  On a recent walk, she confessed that she cannot stop thinking about work when the day ends, it keeps her up at night.  “I wish I could shut down my brain like I shut down my computer!” 

The truth is that the non-stop banter and worry in our brains long after our work day is a much more common thing for women than men.  Although all men may not have the “super power”, they most certainly have a better ability to silo their thoughts and activities into distinct parts of their brains and therefore be able to separate their work and home lives more easily than women.  Thankfully scientific studies have shown that this is a result of the differences in women’s and men’s brains and not just our inability to function the way that men do.

A Stanford Medicine Study reported the following:

How men’s and women’s brains are different | Stanford Medicine

“In 2000, Cahill scanned the brains of men and women viewing either highly aversive films or emotionally neutral ones. The aversive films were expected to trip off strong negative emotions and concomitant imprinting in the amygdala, an almond-shaped structure found in each brain hemisphere. Activity in the amygdala during the viewing experience, as expected, predicted subjects’ later ability to recall the viewed clips. But in women, this relationship was observed only in the left amygdala. In men, it was only in the right amygdala. Cahill and others have since confirmed these results.

Discoveries like this one should ring researchers’ alarm buzzers. Women, it’s known, retain stronger, more vivid memories of emotional events than men do. They recall emotional memories more quickly, and the ones they recall are richer and more intense. If, as is likely, the amygdala figures into depression or anxiety, any failure to separately analyze men’s and women’s brains to understand their different susceptibilities to either syndrome would be as self-defeating as not knowing left from right.

The two hemispheres of a woman’s brain talk to each other more than a man’s do. In a 2014 study, University of Pennsylvania researchers imaged the brains of 428 male and 521 female youths — an uncharacteristically huge sample — and found that the females’ brains consistently showed more strongly coordinated activity between hemispheres, while the males’ brain activity was more tightly coordinated within local brain regions. This finding, a confirmation of results in smaller studies published earlier, tracks closely with others’ observations that the corpus callosum-— the white-matter cable that crosses and connects the hemispheres — is bigger in women than in men and that women’s brains tend to be more bilaterally symmetrical than men.”

Scientific studies have proven that a women’s brain naturally engages emotions along with facts… AND THAT IS WHAT KEEPS US UP AT NIGHT!  So, what can you do about it?  What strategies can you use to shut down your brain when you shut down your computer?  Here are the strategies I have used that have worked for me.

  • Walks with friends
  • Hobbies (See You Will Teach People How to Treat You post)
  • Journaling
  • Intense jolt of exercise (20 minutes is enough to achieve a release in the brain)
  • Binging a good show
  • Audible or Podcasts listen while walking

Before bed night ritual:

  • Bath with soothing salts and lavender
  • 5 minute meditation (CALM or Insight Timer Apps are both great)
  • Weighted blanket can ease the tension in your body
  • BOX BREATHING when you cannot stop the cycle in your brain

Box Breathing Benefits and Techniques – Cleveland Clinic

How to do box breathing

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself to master the box breathing method right away. “You don’t want to go too slowly or too quickly,” Dr. Young says. “Stay at your comfort level, making sure you’re breathing very gently and not straining.”

  1. Breathe out slowly, releasing all the air from your lungs.
  2. Breathe in through your nose as you slowly count to four in your head. Be conscious of how the air fills your lungs and stomach.
  3. Hold your breath for a count of four.
  4. Exhale for another count of four.
  5. Hold your breath again for a count of four.
  6. Repeat for three to four rounds.

Box breathing was a technique I was taught during the stress of COVID living.  When I need to calm my brain late at night, I will extend the counts to 5 by 7 by 7 by 5.  This is breathing in for 5 counts, hold for 7 counts, exhale for 7 counts and hold for 5 counts then repeat.  I would only recommend this when you are laying in bed and have no intentions of standing up.  Holding your breath for an extended period of time can make some people dizzy and this breathing stuff requires practice.  Start with the four by four and see what works for you.  When I cannot “shut down my brain”; box breathing (or in my case rectangle breathing) is the fastest way to get back to sleep.

There is a saying which is “control the controllable”.  This makes it all sound too easy if you ask me, but the statement is true.  As much as I would love to control the uncontrollable, the universe has simply made that impossible.  I can control my breathing, my reactions and my thoughts; the rest will have to be left to the stars, the moon and the sky.

BE SCARED AND DO IT ANYWAY

-GUEST POST BY A FRIEND THAT IS FACING HER FEAR-

“Be scared and do it anyway. Be under-qualified and get in the room anyway. Be messy, imperfect, and unsure and show up anyway. Comfort is the enemy of growth. Get uncomfortable.” ~ Suneera Madhani, Founder of @Stax by Fattmerchant

I’ve always been a silent warrior, because otherwise I felt exposed. I’d rather show a courageous and admirable front rather than openly express my inner truth. Perhaps a mechanism for protection, but maybe more a shell for safety.  The countless therapeutic walks with my girlfriends speaking openly about my struggles in my new leadership role encouraged me to tune in more to understanding what, how and why.    

Now 20 years into my career, I’ve successfully been labeled the GOAT of every team I’ve been on.  For those unaware, GOAT stands for “greatest of all time”. It felt good and I felt great.  I was always called upon to share insights, mentor others and create solutions to unsolved problems, across multiple independent contributor roles. Leaders turned to me as the reliable source they always could count on. My annual ratings and bonuses rewarded me considerably for my accomplishments. I was unstoppable. With this consistent growth, it only felt right to capitalize on my success by considering my next move.

The decision for a promotion took a lot of self-reflection, weighing the pros and cons, to ensure I was mentally ready. The greatest doubts I had were based on a new job taking control of me, whereby I’d invariably lose any semblance of work/life balance. Conversely, the value of empowering others was such a compelling driver, overpowering my doubts. The decision was made! Now eleven months into my new role, the experiences I thought I had anticipated and outlined so clearly in my mind, were flipped upside down. I underestimated what I signed up for. Suddenly the desire to empower others was swallowed up in my ability to stay afloat mentally given the constant anguish I felt working outside of my comfort zone. For countless years, I was the one in control, now others were controlling me. My nine to five schedule, changed to seven AM to six PM, the hours in the day were taken up by stacked meetings and now everyone’s challenges became mine. I couldn’t stop asking myself “What just happened?”

My job started to spiral out of control and with that came mental exhaustion.  I started questioning every move, doubting my ability to be that GOAT I was accustomed to. I became frustrated, restless and doubtful of my capabilities. My days felt like there was never an end, continually a blur from the start to finish, as I was unable to literally shut down each night. In the middle of the night, I would wake up with mini panic attacks, trying to quiet my mind for fear of the unknown and need to solve for the uncontrollable. Speaking openly about my struggles became the place I felt comfort and helped me reflect more openly about my situation. I kept asking myself, what was getting in the way? The best way of describing it came down to FEAR. Fear that I no longer could predict every outcome; fear that I would underachieve; fear that others were better than me; fear that I would let my leader down and finally fear that I wasn’t capable of leading.

So how could I lead others with all this self-doubt? I knew I had an issue but didn’t know how to go about solving for it. So where am I today? I am OPEN to my feelings. I am recognizing my challenges and I am finding ways to work through them.

Some immediate changes I am working on:

  1. Believing in myself
  2. Asking myself “what’s the worst thing that can happen”
  3. Changing my narrative where I can get comfortable with being uncomfortable

I know this isn’t an overnight sensation, but the openness to change is exactly what I recognize will get me closer to a place of calm and control. I want to become that GOAT again, but not for others, for myself. I’m painfully realizing that my happiness is what’s most important. It’s not about how others are measuring me, but rather how I am measuring myself. Success comes from within, and gratification can be achieved based on that. It’s a healing journey and one I remain committed to. I will fight, I will learn, and I will prevail. I earned this new chapter in life to get away from always being comfortable, life’s challenges are what promote psychological growth.

I encourage anyone also experiencing these same feelings of self-doubt and discouragement to consider your self-worth as the primary driver for success and try getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. Success will be achieved!

-ANONYMOUS